On The Back porch
by Vexie McCay
Summary: A sad, sweet conversation between Spike and Buffy. Grab your kleenexes and R&R!!! ;)


TITLE: Sitting On The Back Porch  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from BtVS.  
  
A/N: this is a kinda short ficlet I wrote while waiting for my dad to get back with the rest of the purply blue paint and Mr. Goodcents. It's basically a conversation between Spike and Buffy a few days after Buffy's return form Heaven. Do enjoy.  
  
****  
  
Spike stood in the same spot in the Summers' backyard he had since Buffy had died. He came to their house every night, to watch Dawn before she went to bed. Not in a gross 'I wanna see her get undressed in the window' kind of way, but in the 'I want to make sure she's okay' kind of way. That's exactly what he was doing. Guarding. Against nightmares and nasties, he guarded Dawn.  
  
Three days ago, Buffy had returned. Spike thought at first he'd feel relieved, that he wouldn't feel like he needed to protect Dawn anymore. Which was true. Buffy was back to send stakes through the hearts of her beloved sister's enemies. (supernatural ones. . .not bratty school girl ones.)  
  
But Spike knew that Buffy was the one who needed him now. Not him directly. She would stake him if she knew he thought that. But she needed someone to keep an eye on her, someone not pitying her and not always trying not to break the oh so fragile Buffy shell. Not that he didn't care, he did. A lot. But he knew what Buffy needed was an invisible eye. One that would watch her without her knowing. To keep the Summers residence a place of safety, a secure place to run to.  
  
Spike looked up to Dawn's window, seeing the light go on. Dawn looked out the window, searching for him like she did every night. She found him and smiled, waving slightly. Spike grinned and waved back. She sat down in the seat beside the window and started writing in her journal. Spike had noticed she had spent longer than usual writing in her journal the past three nights. He knew why. Buffy notes.  
  
Spike was so intent on watching Dawn, he didn't hear the back door open. But he did hear the light footsteps on the back porch. He looked and saw Buffy shut the door, then walk over to the edge and look out into the night.  
  
Spike had positioned himself so he was kind of off to the side, unable to be seen. Buffy didn't notice him. He watched as she seemed to become lost in thought. He smiled, recognizing the dream-like face Buffy wore.  
  
She then sighed, and sat down on the step and buried her head in her hands. Spike's smile faded as he realized she was crying. He hesitated then walked forward slowly. He purposely stepped on a twig, causing it to snap. Buffy looked up, trying to quickly wipe away her tears. She forced a smile.  
  
"Hi Spike. Whatcha doin'?" She said. Spike was taken aback. This was far from the expression he had expected. He was thinking more of a 'Not you! Go away!' reaction.  
  
"Watching." He answered simply. Buffy looked at him, waiting for more explanation. When none came, she decided to press further.  
  
"What are you watching?" She asked. Spike came over beside her.  
  
"you. And your sis. I want to make sure you're all right." He said, face concerned.  
  
"Oh. That's nice, but we're good. I'm home. That's all that matters, right?" Buffy asked, a little too happily. Spike sat down beside her.  
  
"No, it doesn't. What matters is are you okay? And I don't want that answer you keep giving everyone else, either. I want a real answer." Spike said. Buffy looked down at her hands.  
  
"I'm fine. Perfectly active and happy and I'm with everyone again." She said quietly. Spike shook his head gently.  
  
"no, you're not fine. If you were fine, you wouldn't be out here talking to me. If you were fine, you'd be threatening to stake me right now." He told her. When she didn't say anything, Spike took a deep breath and continued.  
  
"If you were fine, you wouldn't have been crying out here all alone." He said softly. Buffy lifted her head to look at him. His face wasn't mocking, but filled with love and care, genuine worry. . .for her.  
  
"I. . .It's just so hard. . .being back here." She whispered. "I can't tell them where I was. What I was doing. And that's all everyone wants to know. Where I was, how much better is it here, did they wait too long to rescue me, how bad was it? And I have to smile and say thanks, I can't tell them the truth, it would hurt them too much."  
  
"I'll listen, if you need me." Spike asked, sitting down beside her. Buffy stared at him.  
  
"I. . ." Buffy stammered. "I can't. I just. . .I can't."  
  
"that's okay too. If you ever need someone to listen though, I'm pretty much always free." Spike said, standing up again. He started to walk off.  
  
"I wasn't in some hell dimension, Spike. I was in heaven." Buffy said suddenly. Spike turned around, eyes wide.  
  
"They. . ..they. . ." Spike stammered, anger beginning to fill him as realization hit him.  
  
"They took me away form Heaven. My best friends took me out of the one place I was happy. I knew everyone was safe. I wasn't worried, or sad, or hurt. I was happy there." Buffy confirmed. Spike sat down again, putting a hand on her arm.  
  
"Buffy. . ." he said softly.  
  
"I was relaxed and happy. I didn't have to worry about anything. I didn't have to stop any evil, I had no responsibility. I knew I had saved Dawn, saved everyone, and the world, and I was satisfied. Mission accomplished. I had fulfilled my duty as Slayer and given my life for good. And I was rewarded." She said.  
  
"Until your so called friends tore you away form all that." Spike growled.  
  
"No. . .yeah. . .yes. Until they tore me away. And ever since I've learned that, I've been trying to forgive them. And it's so hard because they're all feeling so good, because they rescued me from an evil hell dimension." Buffy agreed. Her eyes filled with tears.  
  
"there were so many good things there. I could relax all day, sitting among the beautiful flowers and trees, sunbathing, being lazy. . ..that's all that mattered up there. And. . ." Buffy stopped, sobbing slightly. Spike gently pulled her toward him, and she let him support her, sobbing into his chest.  
  
"Shh. . .you don't have to go on. If it's too painful. . ." Spike said, stroking her hair.  
  
"And Jenny was there, and so many friends that I couldn't save, they were all okay. All the people I was too late for, they were okay. And Spike. . ." Buffy stopped again. She pulled away and took a shaky breath, Looking at the concerned vampire in front of her.  
  
"Mom was there." She whispered. Spike gasped inaudibly.  
  
"Joyce. . ." he said softly. Her death had been a hard blow for him too. Joyce had been everyone's mother, even his at one time. He took Buffy back into his arms, letting her cry, holding her softly, tears of his own running down his face.  
  
"She. . .we talked for a long time. She missed us, me and Dawn. I told her everything that had happened after she died. We sat together and laughed, talking about old times, and what we would do now that we were together again. But we never got the chance to do anything. I was talking to her when they brought me back." She sobbed.  
  
"Oh Buffy. . ." Spike said, unable to say anything else.  
  
"I didn't even get to say goodbye, Spike. They didn't let me say goodbye. She was taken away from me again. And it was so much harder the second time. I had missed her so much, and she came back, and now she's gone again." Buffy continued. Spike sat in silence, letting her get everything out she needed to.  
  
"And all of the sudden I was in this dark little place and I couldn't breathe, so I started trying to get out and I did. It hurt. I had to climb out like the filth I destroy every night. It scared me. I thought maybe I was a vampire at first, but I had a heartbeat, so I knew I couldn't be. And I was here. So I walked around and everything was on fire and things were broken and destroyed." She said. Spike nodded.  
  
"The demons gang." He said.  
  
"Yeah. And I found my friends, and they were all, 'Oh Buffy! You can save us again!' and it hurt because I still wanted to be there to protect them, but I thought I was still dead and so I couldn't. I thought He had changed His mind and sent me to hell instead and I was being tormented. That's how it felt, Spike. Like I was in hell." Buffy admitted. Spike was overcome with sympathy for Buffy, and anger toward her friends, who made her go through all of that.  
  
"And then I just started wandering around. I couldn't face anyone yet, so I walked around and I found Glory's tower. I decided that maybe it would end everything if I died in death. If it would work. I just wanted out. Then Dawn came and explained I was alive, that everyone was safe and now I was home." She said.  
  
"But now I have to live again, and it's so hard. I thought I was done, and then life comes back and throws everything it's got at me. I have to suddenly become a perfect mother for Dawn, and find a job, and keep up on the demon slaying, and I have to live again and I don't like it. It's hard and I can't tell anyone because they think they've rescued me and I want them to suffer, but I still love everyone so much I can't hurt them by telling them about everything." Buffy finished, tears flowing freely down her cheeks and into Spike's shirt.  
  
Spike began rocking her back and forth. They sat like that for a long time, until Buffy sat up. She wiped her tears off her face, and Spike wiped his own away.  
  
"I'm very sorry. . .if I had known they were going to bring you back. . ." Spike started. Buffy smiled.  
  
"it's okay. You didn't. Thanks for being here, though. You've always been the one person I can pretty much tell anything. You won't try to make it better, you just listen to me. And that's what I needed. Someone to listen." She replied. Spike smiled back. He stood up.  
  
"You're welcome. And if you ever need to talk again, or let it all out again. . .you know where to go." He said. Buffy nodded. Spike started to walk away.  
  
"Spike!" Buffy called. Spike looked back over his shoulder.  
  
"Buffy?" He asked.  
  
"she said she forgives you, and she still loves you." Buffy said. Spike's eyes grew wide, and he turned to face Buffy.  
  
"You. . . you mean Rose?" he asked softly. Buffy nodded.  
  
"We talked. She knows what you've been through, and she said she never blamed you for what happened to her, she blamed herself for being so stupid." She said. Spike walked back over.  
  
"Did she tell you why?" he asked. Buffy shook her head.  
  
"No, Mom came up then, and Rose decided since we had eternity to talk, she would tell me later, just that you were really a good man inside." She said. Spike sat down again.  
  
"I don't think you'll have the chance for a while. But I think you should know." He said.  
  
"Rose was my younger sister, who I loved more than anything in the world. She was kind, and pretty, and smart. She and I were always close. Rose was four years younger than me, and I took it to mean I was to protect her." Buffy smiled. That's the way she was with Dawn.  
  
"We got into an argument right before the Christmas when she was fourteen and I was eighteen, six years before I was turned. She told me Cecily was mine, and I needed to go for her, not to just sit around hoping she would notice me. She wanted me to be happy, so she told me her opinion.  
  
"I told her she could take her opinion to where it was wanted, and she got angry. She told me I was a coward and would never be able to get anything I wanted. I told her she was a dreamer and I could never win Cecily over. She said I wouldn't know until I tried and that she would jump in the river if I didn't.  
  
"I told her the water was a bit cold for jumping that time of year, so she'd better think of a better threat. She said I was narrow minded and would never make anything of myself because I was afraid to. I agreed, and she ran off. I went off to my own corner. That was the way we settled things, each of us going off to cool down." Spike stopped, the memory returning after being pushed away for too long.  
  
"They found her the next morning, dead. She ran out and was attacked in the night. I guess now it was a vampire. They said something about her neck, but I can't remember. I stopped listening. The only words I heard were that my sister was dead." Spike said. "And it was my fault."  
  
"It wasn't though. She ran out, you didn't make her." Buffy said, putting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Yes I did. If I had agreed with her, if I hadn't been such a coward and agreed with her to do something so daring as to talk to Cecily, she wouldn't have gotten angry." Spike said.  
  
" But she never blamed you. Ever. She still loves you, and thinks you're still the best big brother in the world." Buffy reminded him gently. Spike smiled at her.  
  
"Thanks, Buffy. For telling me that." He said. "I wanted to believe it for so long, but couldn't."  
  
"See? Something good did come out of me coming back. And now I see why you love Dawn so much. You're trying to make up for what happened to Rose, aren't you?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Partially. Dawn and Rose are a lot alike." Spike admitted. Buffy smiled.  
  
"Yeah. They even kinda look alike. Except Rose has all those pretty curls." She said enviously. Spike laughed.  
  
"You know, once when she was about six and I was ten, I did her hair up in pretty little bows for her." He said. Buffy giggled.  
  
"You did her hair?!" She asked when she could talk again.  
  
"Yeah. What's wrong with that?!" Spike asked indignantly.  
  
"It's just. . .you did her hair?! In little bows?" Buffy put her head onto Spike's knee and laughed. Spike tapped her on the head playfully.  
  
"It's not funny! If you ever tell anyone, especially Xander, I'll-" he stopped threateningly.  
  
"You'll what? Talk me to death? Threaten me to death?" Buffy teased.  
  
"Hey, I've done that once. Scared a couple guys before I killed 'em. One wet himself and the other died of a heart attack. Scared the poor blokes so bad I let Dru have 'em. S'no fun when they're all screamy and wimpy like that. Runners though. They're tasty. Get all the adrenaline flowing first." Spike said. Buffy wrinkled her nose.  
  
"Ew? That's nasty, Spike." She told him. Spike shrugged.  
  
"Sorry. Not like I do that anymore." He pointed out. Buffy rolled her eyes.  
  
"Oh puh-lease. If you got that chip out of your head, you'd probably go out and find an Italian runner first off." She retorted.  
  
"I most certainly would not. . .hey. . .how'd you know I liked Italians?" Spike asked. Buffy grinned.  
  
"Dawn told me. Seems you've told her some nasty horror stories while I was gone, didn't you, Spike?" she accused. Spike held up his hands.  
  
"Me? Only harmless little bedtime stories." He said with mock innocence. Buffy punched him playfully.  
  
"Once upon a time I went in and killed a whole family and presented a little girl on a silver platter to my insane girlfriend. We had a lovely dinner. The End. Nice story, Spike." She said. Spike winced.  
  
"she told you the Coal bin story, did she?" he said, hanging his head. Buffy hugged him.  
  
"Aw, don't worry. I found some Steven King novels under her bed way before she started hanging out in your crypt." She said. Spike laughed.  
  
"She doesn't know you know about those. She goes out and buys 'em every now and again. Gave her a few for her birthday. She loves 'em." He remarked. Buffy nodded.  
  
"Yeah. I told mom and she said it was Dawn's little piece of my world. Which I so don't get. SK can get a LOT more twisted then my world ever gets." She said in disgust.  
  
"Steven King makes you shivery, does he?" spike asked in amusement. Buffy shook her head quickly.  
  
"No way! I'm the Slayer. No creepy things can creep me out. Nope. Not here." She said. Spike laughed.  
  
"They do! Steven King freaks you out! I knew it!" he howled. Buffy screeched and covered his mouth.  
  
"Hush! Don't tell anyone!" She warned.  
  
"You don't tell about my little hair incident and I won't tell about your little fear of Steven King." Spike proposed.  
  
"Deal." Buffy agreed. She glanced at her watch.  
  
"Woah. . .it's 3 AM. I guess I'd better head in for bed." She said in surprise.  
  
"Yeah you should." Spike agreed. "But first. . ." he leaned down and kissed her softly. Then he stood back up and smiled.  
  
"Goodnight, Buffy." He said, then turned around and walked away. Buffy watched him go.  
  
"Goodnight Spike. I love you too, you know. But you don't. Because I can't let you. Not yet. But will." she said softly, then walked inside. Spike watched from behind a tree.  
  
"I do know. Always have." He said to the empty porch. "But I can wait a little longer."  
  
Spike disappeared into the shadows, smiling softly to himself.  
  
*pretty fade out*  
  
The end.  
  
It's kinda a sweet Valentine's Day thing. Kinda. It's more of a romantic, historic, lovely little Buffy ficlet. Er. . .i wrote it in a spiral long before I posted it. Seems I didn't get anew computer but my parents' old one! Blast it! :P 


End file.
